


I'm not okay

by Yvonn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, iwaoi - Freeform, sorry - Freeform, wow so many self- things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 22:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5265803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yvonn/pseuds/Yvonn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa hates himself and Iwaizumi tries to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not okay

**Author's Note:**

> It's really self-indulgent and I'm so sorry I don't even know why i post this because it's not good at all, but yeah. Sorry for the grammatical mistakes and just simply sorry in general.

„TOORU WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR HAIR???!!”

„I-I didn’t like it… everyone has pretty short hair and I-„

„ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT??!” „

_N-no, I just wanted to be… normal._

„ „HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO DON’T DO IT??!! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST UNDERSTAND THIS SIMPLE THING??! ARE YOU SOME KIND OF AN IDIOT OR WHAT?!” „

_I-i dont’t think so, but…_

 

„ „AN F? FROM ART - WHAT IS THE EASIEST SUBJECT ON EARTH??! WOW I ALWAYS KNEW YOU’RE NOT A GENIUS BUT MORE OF A MORON.” „

_Yes, i am not a genius. I’m a worthless piece of shit who can’t even do this easy task. I really am a failure._

 

11:37pm. Laying on the bed and looking up at the ceiling which was covered with different sized stars – they were glowing and _haha, maybe they were even brighter than my future_ – Oikawa thought while slowly breathing out. This day obviously wasn’t his day at all;

First of all, his alarm was most likely being too busy with doing anything but waking him up, so he can only praise the lord/aliens/milkbread/whatever for Iwa-chan coming over and waking his sorry ass - _„Wakey wakey Asskawa told you not to watch X-files when you have to wake early haven’t I?” –_ what meant he only has 5 minutes for his 30 minutes wake up routine what wasn’t enough. At all. So he had to suffer through the whole day with a beanie on his head what was praised by his fangirl squad but if he wants to be honest they’d probably faint even if he wore sandals with socks.

Also on the same day he fucked up terribly his maths test even though he spent the whole night learning the formulas and understanding the current topic – and yes, this was the reason of oversleeping. He knew Iwaizumi was really good at maths – he had spec maths after all – but he already felt like he was a burden for him. Iwa-chan has always been looking after him and there was nothing what Oikawa hated more than making Iwa-chan worried. But he knew he’ll be mad at him when he founds out how shit his grades are and then he’ll scold him and be like _’But why didn’t you ask me to help you dumbass you know i could’ve helped you with that’_ and he’ll have this specific expression on his face what was some kind of a mix of disappointment and sadness and- _no_ , he can’t even think about it without becoming a sobbing mess.

And then there was the practice. It was probably his worst practice ever - he couldn’t focus at all and he messed up all his serves and tossings. He could hear his teammates whispering behind him and asking Iwaizumi if he’s fine and he was about to turn so he could face them and tell them how _his bad hair day is ruining his_ _game_ with that usual fake smile and high-pitched voice he always use but then he heard the coach _’Oikawa, you’ve been working really hard lately and you’re probably tired so just go home and have some rest’_ so he just nodded and left the court before Iwa-chan could’ve asked anything.

He changed into his casual clothes and started to walk home in a fast pace so he could finally calm himself down. He knew Iwaizumi’d come after practice to ask what the hell happened with him there so he took a big breath and typed a message to him about that shit maths test. It was still better to tell him only a piece of the story so he will be pissed but not _that_ pissed as he’d be if he told him everything, everything about how he feels like he’ll never be as good as those who were born with natural talents and how he doesn’t feel like his life matters at all – _what’s the point of being here if I’m not the best in the thing? No one wants seconds or thirds_ \- and how much of a burden he is to Iwaizumi and how much he hates this and he just wants him to stop, to leave him alone and live his life without him holding him back and- _yes_ , this’d really piss Iwaizumi off, he was sure in that.

His heart almost stopped beating when he finally arrived to his house and saw the lights on. This could only mean one thing-

„Hello Tooru.” He heard the familiar voice as he stepped inside the house.

„Hello mother.” Mother, not Mom. She doesn’t deserve that title. Iwa-chan was more of a mom to him than that woman who gave him life. She gave him life and then left him with it, not even telling what to do with that. Iwaizumi was the one who showed him what the purpose of this so called ’life’ is while his mother was like a ghost in that mysterious thing, a ghost which appeared only to ruin all the good things which he knew existed and making him confused and stupid and _I hate being stupid and I hate himself and_ -

„Would you come over here please? I just arrived home after a month and I’ll have to leave soon so it’d be lovely if you could just appreciate this.” _Hah. Hahaha_. It’s like appreciating your kidnapper just because they gave you a piece of bread. Oikawa knew he had lots of ’not-okay’ things about himself but Stockholm Syndrome was for sure not one of those things.

But he came. He sat down to the couch so he could face her. She had that neutral expression on her face what Oikawa wanted to tear off because it felt like she was a stranger to him when she’s supposed to be his mom and _moms are supposed to care about their child and not ruining_ -

„How’s school going? It seems like I need to be the polite one who starts the conversation.”

„Fine! My grades are great and also the volleyball team is having their strongest season!” He said it with that typical fake smile and fake voice what he never had any problems with putting on but now, after this day and even this happening to him he was hardly coping with it.

„It’s great to hear you’ve finally tried to be good in something but no, you’re not good at lying either. I just called your maths teacher and she wasn’t impressed with your grades, especially with the test what you wrote today. What a little sneaky brat you are.” Liar? Nah it was an old one. But the brat was new, it’ll be on his list.

„Yes maths isn’t my best, that’s true, but I’m trying really hard to get better!” Don’t crack that smile. Don’t. You. Dare. Just keep smiling.

„But it seems like you’re not trying as hard as you should be. Maybe if you wasn’t so obsessed with that stupid game then you’d have more time to maths.”

„Don’t worry, I can cope with everything! I was planning to study for my next maths test so if you excuse me.” He didn’t even wait for the answer but ran up to his room and closed the door behind him.

And here he is. Few hours later, 11:39pm. Red swollen eyes, foggy mind and blade in his hand.

He pulled off his underwear only a little bit so he could be able to reach the area around his hipbone. He already had several words carved into his body – only into the area what was hidden underneath his boxers because Iwaizumi’d notice it – , words like ’ _idiot_ ’, ’ _moron_ ’, ’ _boring_ ’, ’ _liar_ ’, and the list goes on and on. Some of them were almost fresh, but there were older ones which were barely noticeable. He held up the blade and cut in the flesh. It hurt and he was crying but he had to do it, he had to remind himself how much of a waste of space he is. It was euphoric. The blade cutting smoothly through his skin and the blood shining like it was the light what disappeared from his eyes a long time ago. He threw his head back and looked up back to the ceiling, to the little plastic stars which he got from Iwa-chan for his 12th birthday.

 _„Because I know you like space and aliens and all that stuff! But Godzilla is still cooler though!”_ Twelve years old Hajime said with a huge grin on his face as he gave Oikawa the little semi-transparent bag with full of fluorescent stars. Oikawa’s eyes grew big and he teared up as he looked at his best friend – _his only friend_.

 _„W-wait what did I do? I’m so sorry Oikawa i didn’t mean to hurt you-„_ Iwa-chan panicked but Oikawa just smiled at him and showed the OK sign

_„Iwa-chan being so kind to me! If he acts like this I’ll think he’s in love with me~„_

_„ASSKAWA!”_

 

Oikawa pulled his boxers back and blew a kiss towards the sky.

„For the aliens” He used to say so aliens’d come and abduct him and bring him anywhere but here. But since that birthday he found himself a new objective.

 _„For Iwa-chan”_ Oikawa said as he wiped off a tear from his cheek and fell asleep.

 

***

 

Eyes slowly opening. Light coming through the window. Clock on the bedside table.

**_12:23._ **

„SHIT!” – he murmured loudly and burried his face in his hands. _It wouldn’t make sense to go to school when I’ve already missed half of the day. I shall think about an excuse for this day but first I eat. I need to eat._

„Ugh I’m so hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” Oikawa said while a jawn escaped from his mouth. He went downstairs only to find a cold and empty house. As he walked towards the fridge he found a little yellow sticknote on it.

 _„Went back to work. Brb in a month.”_ That was all. Not a goodbye hug or even a word, she just left like she always does. Oikawa crumpled the paper and threw it into the trash. As he was just about to grab the orange juice he heard a knocking noise.

„Who the hell can this be?” he walked to the door and opened it. His mouth formed a little „o” shape in suprise when he saw the not-so mysterious visitor. Iwaizumi also had the same facial expression with an extra blushing on his cheeks. Oikawa needed a second to realise that he was only in his underwear and his hair was like a hayrick. Not like Hajime hasn’t seen him like this though, so he still wasn’t sure what caused the reaction, but he shoved this thought away as he timidly invited him in.

„What are you doing here?” Oikawa asked him as he tried to find a pair of pants somewhere.

„I was…worried about you” He said as he leaned against the counter. Oikawa was about to say something silly so he could escape from his questions when Iwaizumi gasped loudly and ran towards him.

„YOU’RE BLEEDING!” Oikawa looked down and saw the blood spots on his underwear. Hajime grasped his wrist and pulled him into the bathroom. Oikawa could feel the tears coming. That’s it, his disguise is being destroyed and as soon as Iwaizumi finds out about everything he’ll left him and he’ll have no one. He tried to get his hand out from the other’s clench and run away but he was too strong. His throat was aching and tears started to flow down on his face as he collapsed onto the floor.

„Oikawa hey hey look at me you hear me? Everything’s going to be fine just please talk to me and tell me what’s happened” Iwaizumi crouched down and held Oikawa’s face between his hands, wiping the tears away but Oikawa was shaking his head and tried to push him away.

„D-don’t come near to me, please Iwaizumi, just f-forget what happened a-a-and everything’s going to be…alright…as it was…”

„Nothing was alright if it caused this! Oikawa for fuck’s sake let me help it hurts so much to see you in this condition just tell me why are you bleeding! Did someone hurt you? I’m gonna find that fucker-„

„VOILÁ! HERE’S THE FUCKER YOU’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR!” Oikawa shouted with a grotesque facial expression as he pulled down his boxers so Iwaizumi could see the marks on his skin. Iwaizumi could hardly breath and the tears found their way to his eyes as he read the scarlet words carved into Oikawa’s flesh.

„O-oikawa…why did you do this to yourself?” Iwaizumi whispered as he looked into the other’s sparking eyes.

„Because I have to remind myself what I am.”

„And do you really think this is what you are? _Lame? A Brat? An Unworthy piece of shit?_ ” Iwaizumi could hardly say those words out loud. His tears were flowing and he caught Oikawa in a hug. Oikawa’s eyes grew big by the sudden movement.

„Only if you could see yourself the way I see you. You’re so talented and hard-working and such an idiot but in a good way and even though sometimes I want to hit you it’s because you’re being fake and I hate it, I love the real you who’s a sci-fi nerd and cries every time we watch E.T. and I love the way you smile and appreciate the small things and _please oh god just don’t do this to yourself_ – He sobbed and Oikawa was scared. He has never seen him so vulnerable and to think it was because of him… and he also said how he-

„…Wait, d-did you just say you… l-l-love… me?” Oikawa got out from the hug and looked into his eyes as he was sobbing too. Hajime raised Oikawa’s chin with his hand and pressed his lips against the other’s. The tears gave a salty aftertaste of the kiss, but neither of them minded.

„Yes I love you more than anything so that’s why it hurts me so much to see you like this. Tell me everything and we’ll get through this together, okay?”

„Okay.” Oikawa said with a shy smile on his face as he showed the OK sign.

_My mom._  
_My friend._  
**The one who loves me.**


End file.
